The Quest For James Potter's Middle Name
by sugarcone
Summary: Lily Evans is patient. She is. But James Potter is the only exception. But what happens when someone slips a something into her pumpkin juice, she begins to be obsessed with James himself? Is he hiding anything? Can he still annoy her? Oh yes, he can! R
1. And so it begins

The Quest For James Potter's Middle Name

Lily Evans was a patient girl. She really was. Only, sometimes, she just can't keep from going berserk. Usually, only one thing makes her go this crazy. And this _THING _had a name. Yes, evil does indeed have a name. And this is...

James Potter.

But, Lily didn't really care for him. No, she didn't. He annoyed her. All she wanted was to spend her sixth year in Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry normally. Maybe go out with some guys and basically have fun.

You see, James Potter was not included in ANY of these plans. Yet, he seemed to love inserting himself here, there, and basically EVERY PART of Lily Evans life. This simple was NOT right.

"Lily!" A girl yelled as she skipped over happily from the entrance hall over to the Griffindor table.

"What is it Torrance?" Lily asked, turning her head towards her bestfriend.

"You'll never guess what just happened?" Torrance squeeled, jumping up and down repeatedly.

"Did you mistake rat droppings for candy again? Are you high on cocaine? Did you hit you're head again? You're on something, right?" Lily asked, only half-jokingly. You could never put anything past Torrance. That girl was INSANE.

"Hey! You big meanie." Torrance pouted. She soon recovered though and started jumping again. Lily sighed.

"Ok, tell me already."

"I don't want to anymore. You were too mean." Torrance teased. She could be so immature sometimes. Wait, no, MOST of the time.

"Ok, I'm fine with that." Lily said with a shrug. She turned quickly to hide her smirk as she saw from the corner of her eyes her bestfriend looking extremely pouty.

"You don't _really_ mean that, right?" Torrance asked, sounding sad.

Lily sighed again. "No Torrance, I didn't now just tell me already." She looked back at her friend in time to see her face light up.

Torrance beamed. "Well," She started.

"Torrance!" Lily laughed, pretending to be impatient. She was, in fact a patient person, right?

"SiriusBlackaskedmeout." Torrance said in one breath. Lily stared at her, not because she couldn't beleive her ears, but because she didn't hear it well.

"Uh, what?" Lily asked, looking confused.

"Sirius, Black, asked, me, out." Torrance said slowly, bouncing again. Her long dirty brown hair falling lightly in front of her eyes everytime she fell.

"WHAT?!" Lily screamed. This move earned her several bewildered stares from nearby people.

"SIRIUS BLACK ASKED-" Torrance began screaming back, but Lily clsped a hand over her mouth.

"Do you want every girl besides me that is above 4th year coming after you, screaming bloody murder?" Lily hissed.

Torrance shook her head.

"Good, now when I remove my hand don't yell that Sirius asked you out, OK?" Lily continued.

Torrance nodded slowly, fear in her eyes. She was staring intently at something over Lily's shoulder. Lily seemed not to have noticed this strange development in her friend.

Lily lowered her hand slowly. As soon Torrance's mouth was free though, she screamed again, but not about Sirius Black. No, it was _much_ worse.

"Hey Lily." Someone whispered in her ear as they grabbed her from behind, wrapping their arm around her waist.

Lily screamed and turned around. Oh no.

As you might have guessed dear reader, it was James Potter who grabbed Lily Evans.

"Potter!" Lily yelled, raising her hand to slap him.

"The one and only my dear." James smirked as he caught her hand mid-way to his face. He put it to his lips and kissed it softly.

"EWW!!" Lily yelled, yanking her hand away.

"Oh Lily, you're fiery temper and charm just turn me on." James laughed. It scared Lily, how he could always laugh about things. The weirdo.

"Potter, you're weird." Lily said slowly, whipping her hand with a sanitized tissue paper.

"Thank you, I try." James grinned.

"That wasn't a compliment."

"I know."

"Whatever, go away before I set my owl on you." Lily threatened. Unfortunately for her, owls are not scary.

"Lily, I'm not afraid of owls."

"Shame."

"Peter is though!" James' face brightened at the thought of chasing the boy down the corridor with hundreds of owls at his command.

"I'm scarred to ask what's on you're mind. So I won't."

"Good idea my little munchkin."

"I'm not short, that's Snape."

"Snivellus isn't THAT short," Black joined in. Torrance, behind Lily, perked up on hearing his deep, angelic voice.

"Oh?" Torrance asked, excited to join the conversation now that Sirius was here.

"We're all just really tall." Sirius grinned.

"Oh Black, you are sooo funny. You slay me. Really, you do." Lily said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Evans! Your compliments are the very things I live for." Sirius replied. Torrance looked a little put- out after this, but made up for it by pouring honey over everything withing her reach. The sugary goodness made her happy.

At that moment, James, seeing all the honey, pounced on the table and becgan shoving food onto his plate.

"James, you animal!" Lily yelled, appalled.

"Evans, dear, how did you know?" is what James _meant_ to say. Unfortunately, all the food in his mouth caused it to sound like; "eppanmnmnsssearowiduuuuuuuuno?"

Which, in turn, caused Lily to go; "WHAT?!"

James swalled a huge mouthful then proceeded.

"How did you know dearie?" He asked. Marauders could be so strange.

Speaking of the bizzareness of our favorite boys, here comes Peter!

"Hi guys." He says, casually sitting down.

"PETER!! WHERE IS MY CAPPUCHIN MONKEY?!?!" Sirius yelled, pouncing on the boy.

"You're WHAT?!" Peter asked, trying to save himself.

"MY MONKEYS MAN! ARE YOU DAFT?!" Sirius bellowed. The Great Hall was filled with the screams of students as Sirius yelled something unintelligable and the house elves burst through the wall.

"Sirius Black sir, what do you want?" A particularly small one asked, hin spatula halfway up his nose.

"Number 1, get that spatula out of your nose and into Snivellus'. Two, WHERE IS NIGEL?!" Sirius yelled, his eyes filled with a maniacal light.

"Nigel, sir?" Another house elf asked, his knees wobbling horribly as a homicidal Sirius Blaxk turned on the poor thing. In the background, Lily, James, Torrance and Peter sat in silence, completely weirded out.

"MY MONKEY!" Sirius yelled.

"I think he's in the astronomy tower, sir, eating parchment and telescopes." The elf squeeked.

"THAT'S A GOOD MONKEY!" Sirius yelled, puching the air. He ran halfway across the hall, turned heel, ran all the way back to the Griffindor table, kissed Torrance on the cheek then ran away. Leaving her sitting happily, confused, but happily.

A few seconds passed in silence.

"Now Lily, why can't WE do that?" James whined.

Lily shot him a strained look. "Because Potter, you disgust me."

"WHY?!" James asked loudly, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"I don't have time for this." Lily sighed.

Lily turned on her heel and marched out of the hall, and into an empty classroom to let off some steam.

Much to her dismay, someone was already in there. And it wasn't someone she wanted to see.


	2. Dresses, Snakes and Shoes

The Quest For James Potter's Middle Name

Chapter 2

"What do you want?"

Lily stared at the person, her eyes cold. His eyes, black as the night sky, gazed into her bright green ones, as if staring into her very soul. It was creepy.

His skin, pale and pasty, his hair long and oily, his nose hooked and large...his smell, unbearable.

"It is I, who should be asking you that Miss Lily." He said his voice a low drawl. He turned his head towards the window, away from her.

"Whatever." Lily huffed.

"Typical response from a Mudblood." Snape mumbled, loud enough for her to hear perfectly.

"Do not call me that." Lily hissed, her voce dangerously low. The tone did not really suit her, nor did the coldness in her eyes. She looked about ready to burst into flames. With her brilliantly red hair and all.

"Oh, an why not? I see no reason not to call you what you truly are. A Mudblood." Snape said coolly.

Lily could just pounce on him. Her temper, usually so low and tamed, was boiling up. Snape didn't usually piss her off THIS much.

"Then I see no reason not to call you what YOU really are; a blood obsessed, petty little boy who can't seem to be able to accomplish anything, much less have any FRIENDS, so you resort to putting down others to make them feel as low as you really ARE. Am I right, Snivellus?" Lily smiled a sickeningly sweet smile at him. She looked dark, demonic, yet powerful and controlling at the same time. Potter would have been drooling had he seen her.

"It seems Potter has been rubbing off on you Lily,

Snape looked back at her, gazing at her from head to toe. He hair was up in a messy ponytail, her lips dabbed with a little gloss, her uniform nice and neat.

Snape grinned, walking towards the door. As he leveled with Lily, he paused. Lily almost collapsed from the smell of his hair.

"Well, Mudblood, if you truly hate Potter, I suggest you stop meddling with him. He seems to fancy you." Snape said, his breath a warm breeze on her neck. It creeped her out, like everything about the man.

It was strange really, hating our bestfriend. Well, ex-bestfriend, really. It was just plain bizarre, glaring at the person you once shared everything with. The person you trusted most.

But, that was the past.

As Lily stood, pondering on these things, Snape had left the classroom. This was a bad move on his part. This was due to the house elf, being instructed previously by His Royal Hotness Sirius Black, shoved a spatula into Snape's left nostril. Or at least he tried. The poor thing was not tall enough to reach his nostril. Even if Snape himself was extremely vertically challenged.

Lily shook herself out of her reverie and left the room, steam successfully blown off. She was faced almost instantly by a scene that haunts her to this day: Dumbledore in a dress.

Yes dear reader! Professor Dumbledore, IN A DRESS.

Why? I am not even sure. And I'm writing this.

Lily stared, but not too long, because her eyes might have melted in their sockets. And we wouldn't want that, would we? RIGHT?!!

Don't answer that.

ANYWAY, back to the story...

Dumbledore, it seemed had stumbled into someone else's closet. There, he must have seen a dress, and in his old age and bad glasses stage, mistook it for a night dress.

Oops, his bad.

Especially since it was, like, 10:00 am. So it was really weird.

Lily quickly sidestepped the headmaster and his ruffly dress and sped up the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room. Thank god it was a Sunday, no classes. Oh joy.

Upon entering the room, she was greeted by another Marauder, one who has failed to appear, or even be mentioned in this story so far; Remus John Lupin.

Remus beamed at Lily and walked up to her, James behind him. Did I forget to mention that?

"Hi Lily." Remus said.

"Hi Remus," Lily replied "Hey, did you Dumbledore? Has he finally lost it or something?" Lily laughed.

Behind Remus, James was pouting, in a hot and sexy way. What in the world did Remus do to deserve that 'Hi Remus' from Lily? Nothing, except be a good friend and a caring person, basically, he was just Remus.

But no, James had been trying everything for YEARS to get Lily's attention. It was now their sixth, and almost final year in Hogwarts and time was running out.

"Hi Lily." James said, smiling charmingly at him.

"Potter." she acknowledged, turning back to Remus' and her's chat about Transfiguration.

James sighed, maybe he should just give up...

WHO WAS HE KIDDING, HE COULD NEVER GIVE UP ON EVANS! SHE WAS EVANS FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

So, James, being the outstanding man he is, jumped on a table and look around the common room at the eager faces of his peers...and a few lower years, but they didn't matter.

He could see Lily, a half amused, half bewildered look on her face. It played nicely across her features. Also there was Remus, who was next to Lily, him just looking normal, as if this happened everyday. Oh, wait, it did. ALMOST everyday at least. Torrance was sitting next to Leanne, Lily's other friend, playing Wizard Chess. And, as usual, Leanne was winning.

Not to mention there was Sirius, looking a little weird and deranged as he played with a monkey. It was probably Nigel, James thought. Sirius smiled at James before throwing a shoe at him, much to the dismay of the owner, a small little second year.

James ducked to avoid the shoe. It smelled bad. Poor Jamesie.

"Ahem," He cleared his throat. Everyone continued to stared, except for Sirius, who was trying to draw an square with one hand and a circle with the other at the same time.

"Anyway, I was just going to...say...that...uh," James began, unsure for once.

"Spit it out Potter."

"Right, that you so much Evans for those kind words." James grinned, his confidence returning.

"Anyway, I would like to thank all of you for coming here and everything. But, as I always say, the show is worth a million tries." James laughed.

"James, I've never heard anyone ever say that before, much less you. Also, I'm not even sure what that means." Remus said

"SHUT IT REMUS!" James yelled. Sirius, seeing his best mate was in trouble, chucked another shoe at him. This time, with a loud thud, Sirius had hit his target.

James clutched his head and yelled a long chain of profane words at Sirius. Sirius just smiled at him.

Then everything went dark...


	3. Boxers, cookies and insane Marauders

The Quest For James Potter's Middle Name

Chapter 3

James Potter, star chaser of the Griffindor Quidditch team, 2nd hottest man in the school (Sirius is always number one for this fangirl), charming and dashing though he is, lay sprawled in his fourposter bed, having been knocked out by a secondyear's shoe, thrown by none other than his alleged bestfriend Sirius Black. How charming, truly.

"Prongs...PRONGS! WAKE UP YOU BIG FAG!" A voice called, it was deep vand soothing...oh GOD, that was SIRIUS' voice. James attempted to hide himself with his sheets, his eyes still closed.

"JAMESIE! I knew you were ok!" Sirius laughed. Immediately, the boy jumped up and unto James' poor bed. The sixteen year old boy jumped up and down on what else but Prong's poor spine.

"Padfoot, dear, listen..." James whispered. Sirius immediately stopped jumping and leaned down to listen what James had to say.

"Yes Prongs?"

"GET THE BLOODY HELL OFF OF ME BEFORE I SNAP YOUR BLOODY NECK!" James bellowed into Sirius' poor, innocent and like the rest of him; extremely hot ear.

"Yessir, ma'am, right away." Sirius laughed as he got off James. Not a second later, though, he had run out giggling. "Remus! Moony! Come here you little git!" Sirius called as he ran out, leaving James to stare at the doorway that Sirius had so recently raced out of.

"We should seriously have that boy checked up."

Soon enough, Remus entered the dorm room.

"James, you ok?" He asked.

James looked at him weirdly. Remus was supposed to be the SMART one, or at least the SENSIBLE one. James and Sirius were bloody brilliant without even studying. Anyway, James looked at Remus as is he had lost his mind. Here James was, lying in bed, his head in bandages clumsily applied by Sirius, even though James didn't even need them. AND REMUS ASKED IF HE WAS OK?! There must be something in the water.

"Uh...NO."

"Oh, okay. Lily was worried about you, you know?" Remus said. James' eyes brightened at the mention of Lily's name. Lily Evans, the girl he loved.

"Really?" James asked, his voice filled with hope and wonder. A change from the usual cockiness and self-loving that usually filled his voice.

"No." Remus said, his eyes laughing at James. Damn the bloody eyes.

"Oh boo you Moony. Boo you to Snape's room." James threw a pillow at him, laughing a little, the hope was gone, but he forgave Moony. Who wouldn't? He was such a swell guy.

Oh GOD, I cannot believe I just wrote SWELL. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!

Anyway...

"Don't you mean 'Boo you to HELL'?" Remus asked, throwing the pillow back at James, hitting him in the face. GOOD SHOW REMMY! GOOD SHOW!!

"Nope." James grinned.

"And why is that?" Remus inquired.

"The way I see it," James continued to grin, his voice quite serious though. "Snivellus' room is much worse than hell. Wouldn't you say?"

"Ah, good point Prongs." Remus said, standing up. "Peter, Wormtail, Worthless git, Come in here..." He yelled. 'How strange.' thought James.

Peter soon walked in and froze as he saw what James had acquired and was dangling in his hand.

It was a cage. A cage with an owl in it. Let the insanity go forth.

"J-James, why d-do you h-h-h-have an o-owl?" Peter asked, his eyes not leaving the white-and black spotted creatured yellow eyes.

"Don't like him? I'm gonna call him Clement." James beamed at Peter's fear. Peter ran away not 2 seconds later.

"The weirdo." James sighed and he walked towards the window and placed Clement on Remus' boxers. Clement quickly soiled them.

James smiled then walked downstairs. He was unaware that he was only wearing his boxers. Poor lad. How he got in his boxers though, is a question only Sirius knows the answer to.

James walked down the ladder, confused why all the girls were screaming. Not until he understood they were yelling though. OH GOD.

"OH EM GEEEE!!! James Potter half-naked in boxers! I'm in heaven!" A fifth year screeched. James blushed. Nevertheless, he marched on, looking for his pecular friends.

"Lily, don't turn around." Torrance whispered.

"What, why?" Lily asked, foolishly turning around. Her eyes nearly melted in their sockets. There he was, James Potter, walking through the common room in his sexy snitch covered boxers.

"James Potter in his-" Torrance whispered, but was cut off.

"Sexy snitch-covered boxers..." Lily finished, unaware that she had actually said that outloud.

"Lily, OMG, did you just SAY that?" Torrance gaped.

"Say what?" Lily asked, coming out of her daze.

"That James Potter was wearing, and I qoute, 'sexy snitch-covered boxers.'." Toorance explained.

"I did?"

"Yes, you did."

"OMG!!" Lily yelled

"You wouldn't be so shocked if you would just admit that you fancy James-"

"-I do not-"

"-and that if he asked you out right not you would say yes-"

"-BUT I WOULDN'T-"

"-and that you think his snitch patterned boxers are 'sexy-"

"-but I DON'T-"

"-and that you're tired of this charade of hating James when in reality, you love him." Torrance said, her voice tinged with a tone of finality.

"-I DO NOT!!" Lily yelled.

'At least I'd never admit it.' Lily thought. She bit her lip. 'How stupid.'

"LILY! Just admit it!" Torrance yelled, pleading in her voice. In another corner of the room, James was watching their conversation with interest, surrounded by his fellow, although fully dressed, Marauders.

"Pleasant little chain of events, isn't it?" Sirius asked. The others nodded.

"TORRANCE! I. DO. NOT. FANCY. JAMES. POTTER." Lily hissed.

"Lils, I've been your best friend for how many years? I know you're lying." Torrance said. Lily fumed for a while before grabbing her by the wrist and dragging her up to their dormitory.

"Jamesie?"

"Yes Sirius?"

"Do you have any cookies? Nigel is hungry."


	4. Waffles and chocolate tame the beast

The Quest For James Potter's Middle Name

Chapter 4

Lily dragged her bestfriend in the world, Torrance Madison McKelling, into their dormitory roughly by the collar, threw her unto a bed and sat by her feet.

"Lily?" Torrance gasped for breath.

"Yes?" Lily stared at the floor, trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to say.

"What do you want to say to me that you must use such, erm, drastic measures and cut my time for staring at the juicy body of Sirius Black...not that he was half-naked like-"

"-POTTER!" Lily jumped up. Torrance jumped at her friends sudden out burst.

"What about him Lily?" It was confession time, Torrance could just _feel_ it.

"EVERYTHING! HIS COCKY SMILE! HIS BASTARD ATTITUDE! HIS SELF-CENTERED LIFE! HIS SOFT HAZEL DABBED EYES! HIS DEEP SOOTHING VOICE! HIS CALMING LAUGH! HIS GODDAMN POOFY HAIR!" Lily yelled, her face inches from Torrance's.

"And?" Torrance pressed. 'C'mon Lils, a little more...'

"And what?" Lily asked, recovering.

"And, what about his smile, his life, his eyes, his voice, his laugh, his hair?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to say that." Lily said, walking out of the room.

Torrance sighed. She needed help in getting her best friend to make the best decision of her life; saying 'yes!' to James Potter's date offer. A LOT of help.

---------------------------------------------------

"Lily, would you do me the honor of going to Hogsmeade with me?" James asked, jumping up from his chair as Lily approached.

"Put some pants on." Lily sighed.

"Go out with me?" James asked again, ignoring her comment.

"Pants, Potter. Pants." Lily repeated.

"Please? I promise I'll be good." James pleaded.

"No, James, I don't think so." She pushed past him, towards the portrait hole. James remained frozen where he stood. Just as she was halfway out of the portrait hole, James spoke, the whole Common Room watching them, their eyes drilling holes into them. Not literally of course. That would just be gruesome.

"You called me James." It was Lily's turn to freeze.

"Damn." The redhead said to herself, soft enough not to be heard by anyone.

"You called me James." James repeated, shocked at what happened.

"Slip of the tongue, don't take it that way, Potter." She said the last word with care, prolonging the last word, letting it sink in that that was all he was to her. Potter. Not James, not Prongs, Not His Royal Highness James the GREAT. No, just Potter.

"Oh...of course." He said softly as he watched the portrait hole close slowly. He walked up the stairs to his dormitory room. He knew he had something explosive in there...like a muggle cherry bomb or something...

---------------------------------------------------

"James, are you in here?" Remus asked, entering the room slowly. Something jumped on his almost immedietly after the words had left his mouth.

"Remmy!" James laughed. He had jumped on Remus as soon as he heard his familiar voice.

"James..." Remus grunted as he pried James off of him.

James laughed softly on the floor like a child. How strange is the mind of a Marauder?

"Haha. Oh, and James?" Remus said, walking to the door again.

"Yes Moony, old pal?"

"Nigel is behind you."

"Oh crap." James said, running out. Remus, sensing the danger of being alone with the little monkey, followed.

Nigel sat still, waiting for Sirius. Clement too, had somehow escaped from him cage and was now soiling Peter's briefs.

---------------------------------------------------

"I do not like James Potter." Lily told herself, over and over and over.

She sighed, leaning against the wall. This was confusing. Poor Lily. Another victim of James Potter.

"I do not like James Potter."

---------------------------------------------------

"Sirius!" Torrance said, running to her boyfriend.

"Tori, dear!" Sirius grinned, brushing his lips lightly against hers. She blushed and smiled at him.

"Sirius, I need your help." Torrance put on her puppy dog look.

"And what might this be for dear?" Sirius asked.

"I know Lily likes James. I can just feel it. Can you help me make her admit it?" Torrance asked. Sirius grinned at her. So it was true, Sirius just knew Lily liked -maybe even loved- James. She just didn't want to admit it. Typical Lily. And due to Sirius' amazing way with women, he just knew how she felt.

"I am at your service my dear." Sirius kissed her hand. She blushed again. Her boyfriend was so sweet.

"You are such a dear..." She trailed off delicately.

"I know I am." Sirius grinned.

"Well, gotta go. I have to meet Vi down by the Transfiguration room." Torrance said, walking away.

"May I ask why?" Sirius called

"You could, but I may or may not answer." Torrance giggled

"Well, will you?"

"Nope." Torrance said, dissapearing around a corner.

---------------------------------------------------

"Jamesie!" Sirius yelled, jumping on James' bed. Poor James was crushed underneath the super muscular and sexy body of Sirius. Not that he isn't muscular and sexy. He is.

"Sirius! Personal space!" James moaned

"Jamesie-poo!" Sirius said happily, dancing like a leprechaun on James' spine.

"Sirius! Forget about personal space! I'll give you a waffle and show you where Remus keeps his chocolate stash if you GET OFF MY BACK!" James bargained

"DEAL!" Sirius jumped off James in an instant and got on his knees and put on hi puppy dog look. It was hot.

"Okay..." James said. He pulled out a waffle from his drawer and fed it to Sirius. Next, he walked over to REmus' bed, ripped open the matress and pulled out a bag the size of Peter.

"Here you go mate." James said, handing the bag to Sirius.

"Thank you Charlie." Sirius said solemnly.

"Padfoot, mate, I'm James, not Charlie. How many times do we have to go-" James said, rolling his eyes.

"Your sacrifice shall never be forgotten." Sirius interupted him before running out of the room in fear.

Just as James was wondering what caused his friend to act even weirder that usual, Remus barged out of the bathroom, a couple of sheets of toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

"JAMES! YOU DARE TOUCH MY CHOCOLATE! CLEMENT! NIGEL! ATTACK!" Remus yelled. Seconds later, Nigel the monkey and Clement the owl crawled out from the toilet bowl and jumped on James, throwing god-know-what at him. It smelled like peaches.


	5. The plan is put into action

The Quest For James Potter's Middle Name

Chapter 5

"Lily!" James said, running down a corridor. His hair wet from the bath he had so recently taken after being bombarded by a monkey and an owl. Both of whom had crawled out of a toilet.

"Oh crap." Lily said softly.

"Lilykins!" James said, practically jumping up and down with happiness. Actually, he was jumping. Lily heard the slight thudding sound as James landed. Then jumped. Then landed. Then jumped. Then-well, you get the point. In James' hand was a rope, as Lily so keenly observed. It went around the corner and was tied to something. Lily was scared to ask. You could never trust James...especially not with rope. Not since the Christmas incident anyway.

"What is it Potter?" Lily asked.

"Well, Lily, you see...I..." James stuttered, looking at the floor and shuffling his feet.

"Potter. Seriously, spit it out." Lily said, running out of patience as she so often did with James.

"I...really, really like you Lily." James said finally.

"Gee, I hadn't noticed. I just thought you always randomly confess your love to girls on a daily basis." Lily said sarcastically.

"Anyway...I, well, I got you something." James said, smiling sheepishly. How strange of James, head Marauder and Hotness Supreme to be so awkward. He usually never shuts up, right?

"Is that what the rope is for? I thought you were banned from touching rope by McGonagall. You were, right? How did you smuggle that in anyway?" Lily fired off the questions one by one.

"Lily! Listen to me!" James begged

"I'm listening." Lily said

"No you're not. Well you weren't a while ago at leat. You were firing off questions at me. One by one. The narrarator said so herself!"

"Potter! What do you want from me?"

"Well," James said, pulling on the rope. On the other end was Remus, dressed as a Muggle maid. The costume was obviously one of the ones given by Sirius last Christmas.

Lily just stared.

"Well Moony, you big old fluffy were-" James started, smiling, thinking that Lily was impressed.

"JAMES!" Remus interupted.

"Oops, sorry Remmy. Anyway, do it!" James grinned like an idiot.

Remus sighed before dancing like a drunk money on crack. Around and around he went, prancing around Lily while cackling. James had no doubt either bribed him or threatened him. Remus looked so comical.

Lily cracked a small smile before turning stern.

"James! You let Remus go right now! This is why you simply cannot be trusted with things that bind people or things and such." Lily scolded him. James' smile fell as he whipped out his wand wand returned Remus to normal. He walked away sadly afterwards.

"Well...that was degrading." Remus said, standing still and trying to fill the awkward silence that had come over them.

"Remus, you just danced and cackled like a loony in a maid's outfit. That screams degrading." Lily said

"I know." Remus said sadly.

"Don't worry Remus, I won't tell anyone."

"Really?" Remus looked up hopefully.

"Yep. I choose to bear the trauma and nightmares to myself and spare the rest of the world." Lily said, patting him on the back.

"Oh Lily! Thank you!" Remus said, hugging Lily. As soon as he let her go, however, he began skipping and laughing. He skipped away shortly afterwards.

Lily stared. Again. Those Marauders were definetely a strange bunch.

---------------------------------------------------

"Torrance!" Vi said, greeting the girl.

"Hi Vi. Listen, I can't stay long. I have to go and finish my Potions essay." Torrance said

"Okay, just help me get my broom back from McGonagall's evil grasp." Vi said.

"Sure, where is it?"

"In her evil grasp." Vi said solemnly.

"Cool!" Torrance's eyes grew wide with happiness. She began jumping.

"I didn't mean that seriously." Vi slapped her forehead while trying to stop Torrance from going all hyper on her ass.

"Oh." Torrance said, looking slightly put-out.

"It's in her cupboard." Vi said.

"Oh, okay. What do you want me to do?" Torrance asked, her head slightly tilting to the right.

" Okay Torri, I need you to stand out here and tell me if anyone if coming. Basically stand still and look pretty." Vi said. Torrance smiled before posing dramatically. Vi rolled her eyes before going in the room. The seconds passed in silence. Suddenly, there was the sound of breaking glass. Torrance peeked around the door, still wearing her dramatic expression. She saw the cupboard open and the window shattered, it seemed Vi had decided to fly out.

Torrance walked away still looking dramatic. People stared.

---------------------------------------------------

Sirius Black was a man of many traits. He was witty and hot at the least. But right now he was being loyal. Or so he thought. Sneaking into Slughorn's personal potion storages was not something he did often. Actually, it was. Wasn't it just yesterday that he was stealing some Polyjuice potion? Sirius remembered that. He had used it to turn Clement into a rat for an hour. He watched in glee as Peter bonded with Clement only for the owl to turn back to an owl and chase Peter angrily as the poor boy screamed in a high-pitched girl voice.

Now however, he was here for something much more important. Something he was sure would make his bestmate's life wonderful. No, he wasn't going to poison Snape. Although that thought should be given high priorities with the Marauders. He was here to steal a love potion One to make Lily fall so hard and fast for James, that all the King's horses and All the King's men couldn't put her back again. Okay, maybe not _that_ hard. It sounded gruesome.

"Here we are..." Sirius said softly, reaching for a vial containing a faint pink liquid. He blew off some dust and read the label. _'Love Potion, Use with caution.' _Sirius could ahve giggled, but that would not have been very manly, now would it? Ah heck with it. Sirius let out a soft girly giggle anyway.

He left quickly, cackling like a maniac.

Why does every Marauder seem to have to cackle?!

---------------------------------------------------

Peter Pettigrew was the under appreciated Marauder. No one cared for him really.

And neither do I.

But he does tend to cackle!

---------------------------------------------------

Morning the next day way it's usual disorderly chaos. The only difference was that Dumbledore was dressed as a giant pork chop. This scared several First Years.

"Morning all!" Sirius said, sitting down between Torrance and Lily, who were sitting opposite James, Remus and that weird kid who looks like a rat. What was his name again? Bob something I think. Oh, no, it was Peter. My bad.

"Morning Sirius, how come you're so late for breakfast, you usually come down here when the house elves are still cooking." Torrance said, giving him a good morning kiss.

"I had...things to do." Sirius said, taking out the potion and showing it to Torrance.

"Oh." She said softly.

"Also, anyone mind telling me why the headmaster is dressed like a pork chop?" Sirius asked the Marauders in particular.

"I don't know, everyone is too freaked out to ask him." James explained, smothering his bagel with syrup. When he could no longer see the bagel or make out it's form due to all the syrup surrounding it, he began drowning Peter's salad with syrup. Peter didn't protest because James had his teddy bear and was holding it as hostage until further notice.

"Uh, thanks Prongs." Peter said after James finished.

"JAMES! STAY AWAY FROM MY CEREAL!" Remus said, wacking James on the head with a giant clown shoe that everyone swore he didn't have 10 seconds ago, in a vain attempt to protect his breakfast from James The Syrup Brandisher.

"Potter! Leave Remus alone!" Lily said, defending Remus.

Sirius took this as his que to pour in some love potion in Lily's Gatorade which she had smuggled in. The drink fizzled and then turned back to it's normal innocent salty water-ness.

"How much did you put?" Torrance asked in a whisper.

"A drop." Sirius said.

"Are you sure that's enough?"

"Lily already likes James, all she needs is a little push." Sirius said.

"Okay."

Lily took a long sip from her cup at that moment. Sirius, making sure that she saw James first so that she'd fall madly in love with him, quickly yelled:

"EVERY ONE! HIDE UNDER THE TABLES! SNAPE'S ABOUT TO COME IN HALF-NAKED! WITH THE EXCEPTIONS OF JAMES POTTER AND LILY EVANS! THANK YOU!" Sirius bellowed.

"But why-" A Seventh Year Ravenclaw asked.

"SHOVE IT!" yelled Torrance, shoving him under the table. She too, quickly dived under the table.

"You do realized that this doesn't matter and that she'll fall in love with James anyway because I made sure to put some of James' hair in the potion? Also, don't ask how I did or how I got the hair." Torrance said.

"Okay, well love, Snape really is coming in here half-naked. I threatened him to. I have his baby picture with him sucking on his naked baby bum. Which is actually really weird. I mean, how the bloody hell can he reach his butt with his mouth?" Sirius said.

"But why must Lily and James stay up there?" Torrance asked

"I thought it would be fun to scar them for life." Sirius grinned.

At that moment, they hear two high-pitched girls screams.

"OHMYGOD! MY EYES!" yelled Lily's voice.

"HOLYSHITTHAT'SSCARRING! SIRIUS! WHY?!" came another voice, sounding sort of like James' but more like a voice that could have belonged to his sister. If he had a sister. My God! He's his own sibling. Gaspity.

Sirius couldn't keep a grin from creeping onto his face...like a spider. A happy, grinning spider. God that sounds scary.

Suddenly, one of the screams stopped, thus causing the other scream to stop. Out of the veiw of all the other students, and even the teachers, who were equally petrified of the prospect of a half-naked Snape, Lily looked at James in a whole new manner. And the stop in screaming signified that something significant had just happened. It wasn't the upper half that was naked.

"James," Lily said. "Would you still like to go with me to Hogsmeade?"


	6. All about Peter, well, not really

The Quest For James Potter's Middle Name

Chapter 6

"Uh...WHAT?!" James said, staring at Lily as if she were insane.

"Would you like to go out with me, James?" Lily asked innocently. It was so innocent that James wouldn't have been surprised if she went 'And don't you think Severus has such cute looking discolored briefs?'. The entire Great Hall was listening now, and not just listening, but staring and making bets if the two will kiss or get married or something. Also, some people were having cock fights.

"Lily, are you ok?" James said, reaching forward and placing a hand on Lily's forehead.

"Of course Jamesie." Lily laughed, taking his hand in hers and tracing light circles on his palm.

"Well then, SURE!" James said, grinning at his luck.

"Next week end then?" Lily asked.

"Sure!" James said, still quite shocked. And with a charming little smile, Lily walked away. James continued to grin like a dufus long after Lily left. He even remained grinning when people started coming out from under the tables and began eating again. Unsurprisingly, he and everyone else laughed and grinned when Snape was attacked by Dumbledore, who was still dressed as a pork chop.

---------------------------------------------------

Peter's P.O.V.

"Bleep."

Was the sound that woke me the next morning. It would have been bizarre to any other person. With the obvious exception of the Marauders. Me included.

"Bleep." Repeated the sound. The sound, whatever it was, did not seem to want to stop anytime soon. It was bleeping like hell now. I couldn't bear it anymore. Me, the NON-rat-looking boy (I do Not think I look like a rat. STFU fandom!), quickly climbed out of my comfortable four-poster bed and searched for the sound, my tiny eyes squinting. To my immense surprise, I found a cell phone. Which worked. This was amazing to find in Hogwarts. And then Sirius jumped on me.

---------------------------------------------------

Sirius' P.O.V.

I was up since 3 a.m. What I could be doing at such a peculiar hour, I have no clue. I paced several times around my bed, careful not to make any sound (and looking happily at my Superman bed sheets), so as not to awake Nigel or Clement. Or maybe just Clement. Me and Nigel are friends, buddies. In short, I'm Nigel's DAWG(get it? I'm an Animagus? I transform into a dog? You don't get it? Ack, you're useless.) and Nigel's my Wingman-er-monkey...whatever.

I paused and stared at James from the foot of his bed. The boy looked so happy. I really did feel happy for him as well. He deserved it. He deserved Lily. Well, NOW he did. Before, well...let me put it this way; HOLY CRAP! HE DIDN'T!

"Sleep well mate. You earned it." I said with a kind smile, one of the kind rare to cross my face. Too bad no one could see it, what with the utter darkness. My smile was wiped from my face quite fast as I sensed a feeling of foreboding...like I would soon spent many years in darkness, friendless...so completely alone...I glanced again at James before being pulled almost magically towards Peter. I received an urge greater than that even testosterone gives me (I'm is a manly-man, obviously) to annoy the living chest-hairs out of Peter. Not that he had any. Peter's not a manly-man like ME! I grin wickedly, a turn in my usual direction since my last smile. GOD, is it just me, or am I the Marauder that's been smiling the most in this Fanfic? Nevertheless...

"Hello Peter..." I say softly, almost cooing. No, gross. I, Sirius Orion Black, do NOT coo. Cooing is gay. Unless you coo over babies. They're just so cute and adorable and baby-ish! I love 'em! THAT is when it is acceptable for a man as manly a man as the man I am to coo. By the way, what is us with the word 'coo'? Who came up with it? Tiffany L. Coo? Because she kept on cooing and shit? Or was it another Webster word? God I hate that bastard. DIE WEBSTER, DIE! I want you dead almost as much as I want to kill bunnies. I hate bunnies. They're so damn innocent. But have you ever HAD a bunny? Little bastard shits on EVERYTHING! I came home once to find my old (now deceased because...mysterious circumstances) rabbit, Bobington, HAD SHIT ON MY FRIGGING ROOF! How is that even possible? Where was my mom when this happened? Oh yeah...I don't live with my mom. I live in a tent in the Potter's yard. I'm so cool. Anyway, the little hell demon (IT WAS SENT BY SATAN TO GIVE ME A TASTE OF HELL BEFORE I GET THERE! I JUST KNOW IT!) shit on the roof of my tent. That is so wrong, even when I think about it now. I shudder a manly shudder of hunky manliness. Then I blink. AH! THE FLASH OF DEATH!

I look towards said Flash Of Death.

It was a doohiki-mabobbie! I give in to the still lingering feeling of wanting to annoy Peter. I place it next to Peter's head, knowing that it'll do SOMETHING in my favor. Because that's the way the world works.

Normal P.O.V.

Peter flailed around like a decapitated chicken, Sirius clinging to his neck and screaming things like 'Good girls don't eat rotten spinach with pink slippers Peter! It's too satanic, not to mention terribly tacky and sooo last season!' and 'Dumbledore isn't dyslexic!'.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppple." Was Peter's VERY intelligent response.

Amazingly, no one woke up. No one even stirred. And no one remembered it in the morning. Except Peter of course, but he didn't really want to talk about how Sirius Black jumped on him. Especially not to girls.


End file.
